Please comment on and rate my write up our of 20? Hi, My requirement is to write my friend a postcard about my holiday at an exotic destination. I take criticism well and am prepared to redo the whole thing if need be. Write up Life is a beach. I have fallen in love with Mauritius and its wondrous beauty. The delicious food, ebullient people and sunshine is beyond amazing. Looking foward to giving these fantastic people a mesmerising high energy rock show at Port Louis tomorrow with the rest of the guys. Loved the Port Louis botanical gardens. We got to feed cute stags and pose along trees planted by Nelson Mandela, Thabo Mbeki and Robert Mugabe. Thank heavens Trevor speaks French or we would have been charged ridiculous prices by all shops and hotels. Cant wait to chat with the members of Maroon 5 who will be playing before us at tomorrows festival. We will stream the show on our website. Take care of yourself till I get back With Love Eshlin
It sounds a bit too...formal... you're speaking to a friend, where is the personalization? This is like the kind of thing I'd expect to see in a text book, but with worse grammar. Would you actually say "wondrous beauty", "ebullient people" or "mesmerising high energy rock show" if you were just talking to someone? No. If it were me I'd change it to something along the lines of ~ Life's a beach! I have fallen in love with Mauritius, ah it's so beautiful! The food is delicious, the people are so happy and full of energy, and the weather, well! The sun never stops shining! Looking foward to giving the people an unforgettable rock show at Port Louis tomorrow with the rest of the guys. Loved the Port Louis botanical gardens too! We got to feed these cute stags and pose alongside trees planted by Nelson Mandela, Thabo Mbeki and Robert Mugabe. Thank heavens Trevor speaks French or we would have been charged ridiculous prices by all shops and hotels!! Can't wait to see Maroon 5! They'll be playing before us at the festival tomorrow, wow! The show will be streamed on our website if you want to take a look. Take care of yourself, With Love Eshlin Okay, so I've taken out lots of the long and formal words because they simply don't fit in! You'd be great at creative writing but it just doesn't seem realistic or informal enough for a postcard to a friend!